Question:
I have been a mom of one for a long time but recently decided I want another child. Unfortunately, I have spent a long time telling myself all the reasons why another kid would be too hard or not supported in my current life. So…now I am feeling discouraged because even if I want to have another kid my brain is still telling me all the reasons why it will be too difficult and that I do not have the help I would need which I don’t even know if that is true. I want to see if I can find ways in which having another kid would be fantastic for me and that I do have the support I need which I don’t even know what that means or looks like. I guess it means just feeling like I have other people to turn to for help like a village because my spouse is not around on a day to day basis which is maybe why I worked so hard to get myself to be happy with one child because it felt like all I could handle on my own. Can I just try believing I am supported if I don’t believe it? I don’t know many people who I could call for help as a mom where I am. Or do not have family near by that babysits or picks kids up or offers to support me? I don’t feel like I know/trust people well enough to ask for help sometimes too. Which may be part of the problem. We can always move to have the support but we don’t really want to do that either.
Thank you for the ideas and insight. I really want thoughts of courage to do what I want yet I know having another kid would not be easy. I just want it to be a little easier I guess.
Answer:
Other people can’t make you feel anything. If you had a magic wand and everyone and all of the family offered to help you with the support you seek, what would you get to feel? Maybe confident, or content with your decision. But, interestingly OTHER people’s behavior and words don’t create confidence or contentment. The only reason you’d be feeling those feelings is because of what you were choosing to believe. Maybe you’d be thinking thoughts like:
*I’ve got this
*I’m always in charge of the experience I’m having
*The only one I need supporting me is me
It’s tough to rely on other people to take the actions that you want them to take, so that you can feel what you want to feel. What is so much easier is just choosing to think and feel the way you want to, regardless of how many people offer to help or support you.
This is what is always true: Life is 50% emotion that feels good and 50% emotion that doesn’t feel good. That is just the human experience. So, do you want to do the 50% challenging emotion and the 50% amazing emotion with a baby or without a baby? Your brain goes along with you for the ride either way.
