QUESTION: I have a 6-year-old daughter who I’m thinking may be working through anxiety; do you maybe have a top three “first steps” you’d suggest for me?

ANSWER: Here are my tips: 1- Manage your own anxiety about their anxiety a. All too often as parents we make their anxiety mean something about us, about how we are or are not doing enough, or we spin out about their future, and what this might mean for them. Our littles can feel our anxiousness which in turn compounds the problem. I used to make it mean all kinds of things about what this would mean for my daughter’s future and how this would hold her back in life. When I finally realized the story I was choosing to believe, I was able to really take a step back and question it. One day I had someone say to me, her anxiety is going to make her one of the most kind and loving people in this world because she will be able to connect with others in a way many can’t. I took that story and I clung to it and you know what I see evidence for it everywhere. Instead of believing this was holding her back, I could finally see how this was moving her forward and shaping her into this amazing, kind-hearted, intuitive individual. So take a step back and ask yourself what is my anxiety about this? What do I really, honestly think about this situation? How does this make me feel? Perhaps after a particular episode you can take a step back and figure out what internally is going on for you. Write it down, get coached, process emotion, and be onto your brain to help manage your own anxiety. It sounds counterintuitive I know but I promise you the work you do on yourself will help your child tenfold. It will show them what is possible, it will allow you to show up with so much compassion and love and it will show you in small simple ways what things you can teach them based on your own experience. 2- Make Gratitude a priority a. Find a fun, easy way to tap into gratitude on a more frequent basis within your home. In our house we came up with the grateful game- it’s very simple… every night we say three things we are grateful for before we go to bed. Anxiety would often show up at bedtime so we were trying to shift the focus for a minute. Sometimes this game gets really silly as my kids like to come up with some of the most obscure random things. We laugh and giggle about it often, and they now ask to play the grateful game whenever they need to shift their focus (typically when they are feeling nervous or anxious). 3- Share analogies and stories about ways of coping a. Sometimes a story or an analogy can help you teach your child about anxiety without them clamming up and getting nervous about talking about it. An analogy that my daughter always connected with was the idea of waves on a beach and how thoughts are often coming and going. We would try to identify the fear or the thought she was having, have her throw it out into the ocean then be okay with them coming back with the waves on occasion – not expecting it to just magically disappear. We keep those ones we want and let the other ones pass us by. There are so many great children’s books out there that can help teach some of these things. Stories help normalize what they are feeling and then it also gives you a narrative to turn to when they are having a hard time knowing what to do. Here are a few I recommend: i. How to Tame My Anxiety Monster ii. Don’t Feed the Worry Bug iii. In My Heart – We use this book to help teach about emotions, how to name them and identify them. Learning how to name an emotion and process it by identifying what color they think it would be or what texture it is and where they can find it in their body is powerful! I know you said top 3 but I had to include #4! 4- Help your child face their fears a. I think our initial reaction when we see an anxious child is to help them and protect them and not to push them or encourage them to do the things that they’re afraid of. However, the more that you avoid or don’t do certain things, it’s almost implicitly teaching the child that there is a reason to be anxious or afraid if we’re not doing the things that are difficult. It’s sending this message that ‘Oh well, there is potentially a dangerous component to this.’ Don’t remove the obstacle, rather find ways/skills/tools to help them through it. It’s important to help them understand that things are going to be difficult in life at times. Things can be scary. But we can do them. The idea is …’ You can feel scared. That’s OK. We’re gonna do it anyway.’ Show them how brave they are by taking small baby steps forward to help them face what they are afraid of or anxious about. Believe in them every step of the way!

QUESTION: How do I coach myself through a what if? For instance….I am feeling overwhelmed and am quitting everything then only picking up what I want to. When I do this and I come to my businesses, I keep asking myself but what if the next break is around the corner? What if I’m super close to reaching my goal and I decide to quit? And how do I know if I should keep going or if I have gone as far as I can on this road and need to just let it go?

ANSWER: This is a great question. It sounds like we have some layered emotions here. We are starting with overwhelm, but I think the emotion that is causing the ‘what if’ questions is something else. To figure it out, let’s put it in the circle. We are going to need to clean up the circumstance a little. I want you to get specific with what you are ‘quitting’. Choose one thing. Here are some ideas of what it may be. … I do not open my email … I gave my two weeks notice … I slept until … I do not answer phone calls … What is it?? CUE: (Specific thing you are no longer doing.) Thought: I am quitting everything Feeling: (what emotion do you feel when you believe this? I’m guessing it may be fear) Action: Asking the questions, what if the next break is around the corner? What if I’m super close to reaching my goal and I decide to quit? BECOME: I quit trying to make a change Right now your brain believes that “I am quitting everything”, is a circumstance. It is not a circumstance. It is a thought, and when you think that thought you are creating an emotion that is fueling the ‘what if questions’. To clean things up. Let’s decide how you want to feel about the thing you are no longer doing. This is an important question. Do you like the reason you stopped doing it? Did you stop because you were overwhelmed or because you have decided you no longer want that in your life? If you’re not sure, take a minute and write about it. When your brain says I don’t know, ask yourself, “What if I did know.” Then write what comes up. This will help you find out what is really going on. Once you do that, come back here and let me know what you found. We can create an intentional model from there.

QUESTION: My husband and I are getting older and I am having so much anxiety about it all. Aging is so scary, I’m dreading the years ahead and worried about it. Aging is causing body ailments, loss of hearing, yucky smell and shorter tempers for both of us and I just can’t handle it all. How do I move forward in my life when I feel like aging is so terrible?

ANSWER: One of the main thoughts that I think is worth looking at and questioning is your thought that “Aging is a scary thing and something to dread or be worried about” When we play out the model with this thought we see that the result we get is we make aging scary and something to worry about because of how we are acting about it all (and as we know our actions come from our feeling which ultimately is created by our thought about the circumstance). Do you truly believe that it’s not the body ailments, the loss of hearing, the smell or shorter temper that is making aging terrible it is your thought?! Be willing to consider this option. All problems are thought problems! When you can truly believe that it is your thought creating your result and that your circumstance is neutral (neither good or bad) then you can begin to see how you can no longer be a victim to your circumstance. Sit with it to gain awareness…. Then we can move into the changing of your thoughts.

QUESTION: I have an adult son who vapes and I am struggling so much with his poor decisions. When he comes to visit he will walk outside for a couple of minutes and vape and I am just disgusted and disappointed by it all. I’m so angry I can’t even put it in a model. He is ruining his life! Can you help me gain awareness into what is going on here?

ANSWER: Let’s put it into our coaching tool, the circle CUE: Son walked outside and vaped for 2 minutes Thought: He is ruining his life Feeling: Disappointed Action: Distant, withdraw, say very little, short with Him, judgmental Result: I am ruining my life Do you recognize that the thought is what is causing you so much pain? Are you willing to look at the circumstance as neutral? Not good or bad- it just is. It’s often really hard to see this as neutral but consider trying to. When I have a hard time seeing a circumstance as neutral I try to generalize it a bit more…. Ie. A man walked outside and vaped for 2 minutes. Sit with this and see if you can make the circumstance neutral and be willing to recognize the way you are choosing to think about it is causing you so much pain. Awareness is key so you need to sit in awareness for a while before moving forward.

QUESTION: I was trying to explain the idea of holding space to my sister and was having a hard time articulating why it was important I wondered if you could tell me what holding space has personally done for you?

ANSWER: This idea of holding space has been really powerful for me to learn and recognize. In order to show up as my best self I am trying to learn the skills necessary to stay in a more calm, peaceful state when others may show up with a much higher energy or vibration (ie. Anger, frustration, anxiety, fear etc.) I want to hold the space and allow those I love to experience life and circumstances however they choose while I don’t spin out down the same road. Because what I have come to realize is spinning out down the same road only adds to the problem and makes life miserable for all. Holding space requires recognizing when I am doing it, thought work and practice. I am continually seeking out tools and skills to help me live in my true identity more often so I can show up in my life as my best self.